Obsession (iv)

Part IV

Hard Candy: Feel You Breath (Link retired)

I was in the hospital for a week. I had developed a quincy (peritonsillar abscess) that had almost closed over my whole throat, effectively suffocating me. Sam had arrived in the nick of time. He’d then left me in the emergency room, delirious with a fever, so he wouldn’t miss his cricket game. But noone’s perfect I suppose.

After a week on an IV drip for antibiotics and rehydration (and almost constant sleep), I was fine to go home again. Sam picked me up from the hospital and life continued on. Only it didn’t. There was a slight shift, and I couldn’t control it.

For Sam, hospitals didn’t hold fond memories. About six months earlier, he had been in one, to have surgery on his hand, which had been injured on a job. His ex girlfriend had visited. She let him know that their recent ‘for old times’ encounter had resulted in her being pregnant. She was financially independent and didn’t want anything from him other than to have him acknowledge the child and be a part of its life. And then she left while he tried to fight through the fog of the painkiller drugs to understand the tremendous consequences of her matter-of-fact announcement.

At night, in that quiet time when we would sit and talk in bed, cigarettes burning, he would confide in me his fears. He was afraid of being a father. He was afraid of his ex being in his life forever. She had been incredibly possessive while they had been together. He just didn’t believe he had anything to offer the child. He was a hopeless human being. How could a baby possibly want him for a father?

It broke my heart to see this side of Sam. No laughter. Just insecurity, and a history of not being good enough. He was only in vague contact with one brother in Australia, and I hadn’t heard him speak of the rest of his family. It seemed to be an area he simply did not want to share, and I respected that. He seemed determined, though, that he would do the right thing for this little baby, as best he could. He would straighten out. He would teach it things.

For most people, sleep is a time of peace. I would wake up some nights and watch Sam sleep. His eyes seemed to have a slight frown, a hurt look, like a child who was being punished and didn’t understand why. As though all the things he was running from during the day had caught up with him while he slept.